I am still trying to figure out why I
keep buying and obsessing over journals and sketchbooks. If I understood the
significance of a blank book this could nip the obsession in the bud. I have
asked before going to sleep in the hope that my unconscious mind will convey
something to me in a dream but to no avail. Instead, I have the following
dream:
I am at my old workplace. I am hypomanic
and drawing all over the place, on any surface I can find. My colleague says he
is going to report me. I know I am going to loose my job but I just can’t stop
myself.
In reality, I am literally drawing all
over the place. As well as doing separate drawings I am drawing in the copy
book and in two other sketchbooks. I decided that if I keep obsessively buying
sketchbooks then I need to use them. I am now wondering what I was thinking.
That is a lot of drawing in a lot of different places.
I then decide to use the journals and
sketchbooks to create scrapbooks. I start a scrapbook on the theme of roots. I
have been drawing a lot of roots and have taken loads of photographs of roots
in the past. I thought a scrapbook may help me understand why I am drawing
roots.
I feel like I am back studying, expected
to evidence my sources. The whole process is making me feel chaotic. I also
feel as though I am wrecking a nice journal. If scrapbooking isn’t the answer
perhaps a Secret Block is. I have always loved the drawings that comprise
Joseph Beuys’ Secret Block for a Secret person in Ireland. Beuys did these
drawings and never looked at them again. They are done on many different types
of paper including envelopes. I already have a tin of drawings, many torn out
of sketchbooks, so a block of drawings makes perfect sense.
Beuy’s secret person in Ireland is
presumed to be James Joyce. My not so secret person would probably be T.S.
Elliot. Making the scrapbook on roots made me think of the lines from The
Wasteland,
‘What are the
roots that clutch, what branches grow
Out of this
stony rubbish? Son of man,
You cannot say,
or guess, for you know only
A heap of broken
images, where the sun beats.
And the dead
tree gives no shelter, the cricket no relief,
And the dry
stone no sound of water…’
T. S. Elliot, Poems
1909 – 1925 (London: Faber and Faber, 1937), 84.
I get the copy of T.S. Elliot’s Poems
1905-1925 that belonged to my grandfather off the shelf and read, ‘Here is no
water only rock.’ I feel a bit disturbed and put the book back on the shelf. I
then go to fill the kettle and there is no water. I decide to just go to bed
and in the morning the water is back on.
I don’t know what to make of the water
episode. A sign, coincidence, synchronicity or evocation but I feel reluctant
to open that book again. I can’t decide whether the water episode was a sign to
do a block of drawings or not to do one. This would be a lifetime project. I
would need to find the right container for my, ‘…heap of broken images.’
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